November 2011. Skyrim is released to the thirsty public of The Elder Scrolls. Many people think this is a masterpiece of role-playing (for those who have not played Demon Soul anyway).
June/July 2012With the release of Bethesda’s first DLC Dawnguard, Skyrim’s dominance in the game world shows no signs of stopping. The DLC is about a terrifying, bloodthirsty vampire sect, stolen from the unsuspecting public (this is a metaphor ). A few weeks later, the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics brought tears to the eyes of the entire land. At the time, we did not know that this would be Britain’s last victory as a decent and free society.
June 2016. Bethesda announces “Skyrim Remake”. This is Skyrim, with better textures and godrays. We raised our eyebrows to greet it, and our lips curled into a sneer. “It’s just Skyrim, with better texture and God’s light,” I announced to the others in the office, accompanied by ecstatic laughter. If we only knew how much we would laugh in the next ten years.
June 2016. Britain voted to leave the European Union. The grief is beyond words. As the British pound fell into chaos, I invested every penny I had in cryptocurrency, because in the chaos of the collapse of the entire society, the wise bet was a decentralized digital currency. When our Eurogamer colleagues took turns vomiting, there was a long line in the toilets of the building.
Because there are some terrible idiots, I don’t know that in the northern shit hole like Essex, it will be more troublesome for us to participate in the mainland press conference. No longer need to hop on Eurostar with content read by a large number of Gamer Network colleagues from our network of 8 billion websites and other less important people or other dim people from The Telegraph.
perhaps. We don’t know yet. At this point, everything is nonsense. Because those terrible idiots in Crewe or elsewhere choose to start fantasizing about the unknown, because they don’t like seeing Polski Skelps open next door to Ladbrokes, or anywhere in North Shitholes, where people like to waste their undeclared plastering income. Or any meaningless nonsense that the people of North Shitholes like to pretend is “work”.
Some fairer (dark) and less free (dark) people around me started to rationalize the results. We are told to understand that for many people in this country, the status quo is failing, and the Brexit referendum is a call for meaningful change. All of this is great, but why does it mean I have to endure the higher costs of participating in Gamescom? People in Hartlepool or elsewhere do not understand the real world. I want to know less.
October 2016. Skyrim: Remastered is released on the 8th generation console. We are once again invited to “live another life in another world”, just as Oblivion’s behind-the-scenes propaganda once beckoned. I apply for an Irish passport.
November 2016. Donald Trump technically won the US presidential election by a narrow margin. For people who are still shocked by the devastating prospect of Ubisoft’s reduced media visits (they always arrange us in the best hotels), this latest insult to decent is too much. Suddenly, it became necessary to escape to Tamriel’s world. basic.
Skyrim is not a suitable video game. It will not advance the media in any meaningful way. It contains no research on paternity, and no fables about cancer or adulthood. It’s not even on itch.io.
But it has a working economy. chuckle. Moreover, if you choose the right path on the side of the empire, it has national cohesion. The deepest and most intoxicating fantasy of Skyrim is that through a series of clear and dual choices, a country can avoid disasters and a nation can heal.
December 2016. Frankly speaking, the Irish government rejected my passport application on pedantic reasons that I am not Irish. I like The Pogues, I have watched every episode of Ballykissangel, but I was told that “cultural affinity with Ireland does not constitute a requirement for citizenship”. For a moment, my confidence in the European project began to waver. My friend Clive got one because his grandfather was from Limerick. How do they know if mine is not?
November 2017The release of Skyrim on Nintendo’s Switch caused the final, humiliating irony: We can freely roam Tamriel from any room in the house, including the swamp, but we cannot freely roam the entire continent. Visa-free for more than 90 days. Other metaphors include: sitting on the throne of shit and spoiling an empire. Yes. That’s very good. Jeremy Peel can’t think of this.
September 2021. Tired of the crisis, Britain finds itself in a fuel shortage situation. This is caused by a shortage of heavy truck drivers, a shortage of shrewd politics, and a shortage of empathy. My 18th Bitcoin is now worth £1770.
November 2021: Skyrim: Anniversary Edition will expire in November.
I laughed again
Disclaimer: Dave Hurst told this story after living in the UK for 10 years. During that time, he received a copy of Skyrim from the game publisher. He did not comment on the game. He gave it to his partner for review. He is now Dave, one of the country’s leading Skyrim experts, not his partner.