This diary first appeared in “PC Player” Magazine Issue 360, August 2021. We do it once a month, accepting new challenges and handling our favorite games from a whole new perspective-and let you know our progress.
A wise man once said “make love, not war”. In the world of Crusader King III, that person may die within a week, but that is not to say that he is meaningless. All these tactics, fights, killings…Where is there sympathy for compatriots?
I want to spread some love through the world of the Crusader Kings, and I will do this by creating the most horny dynasty in the entire Christian world. I plan to literally look at the game’s reputation as a dynamic bastard simulator, and try to conquer the world with my cashews and push the game’s relational system to the limit.
Before I start, first I need a ruler and a place for them to rule. I set the game to start in 1066 when my fate was determined, and I chose to play the role of the king of Scotland. This gave me a prestigious position, so there are many things to do, but compared to countries such as Byzantium or the Holy Roman Empire, I am still a piece of cake. Instead of using the default ruler from that period in Scottish history, I created my own ruler, especially a 27-year-old with a burly beard. You might lose a cat. I set his sexual orientation to be bisexual, because it increased his chances of romance, and then added the “lescivious” trait to his personality. I picked two other personality traits from the hat, and the last ones were “cynic” and “angry.”
Desire in translation
As for the more general characteristics, I chose the three characteristics that best help him realize his romantic wishes, namely, seducer, conspirator and legendary reveller. This leads to high statistics on conspiracy, so in order to balance everything, I gave him bad diplomacy and management, average study, and good martial arts. Basically, he is the Robert Baratheon of Game of Thrones, but he has the cautious mind of Spider Varys.
All I need now is a name. The name must be Randy. It must be. As for Randy’s last name, I let CKIII’s name generator handle it. After cycling through a bunch of highly Scottish surnames-Abernathy, Arbuthnot, etc., it implies Cockburn. King Randy Coburn. You can almost smell nominative determinism.
King Randy Cockburn (Randy Cockburn) began his reign, single and childless. Although I think he personally will accept this situation, but the rules of the game are not like this. If Randy dies without an heir, the game is over. So, my first goal is to find a wife and have a few children. After scrolling through the list of potential suitors, I chose Infanta Ximena Gartziez from the Navarra family. According to her character page, she is a glutton and sadist. But she is also 21 years old and has more horns than a triceratops. Come to me, my energetic evil monster wife.
After arranging the marriage responsibilities, my other task is to choose a lifestyle for Randy. This is easy due to his outrageous statistics on conspiracy, and there are three “focus” trees for this. One of the key points is temptation, which allows your ruler to live a life of “temptation, desire, and the gentle art of twisting people with little fingers”. Sold to the drooling Jiang Nan on the throne!
The basic management is complete, and it is time to plan broader goals for Randy’s rule. Before his death, I want to achieve two goals. First of all, I want to conquer the rest of Scotland, currently shared by myself, Norway, and a group of Scots and Irish nobles. Secondly, I want to have as many children as possible. Of course, for my dynasty.
Everything is fair
However, when Randy faced two pressing problems, he just put on the breeches. The first is that Scotland is on the brink of civil war, thanks to the local aristocracy forming a faction dedicated to ousting Randy from the throne. My first thought was to start a plan to seduce Duke Mael-Snechtai, but he is heterosexual. So I devised a plan to murder him. After some courtiers who bribed him to join the plan, they arranged for him to be attacked by bandits on the road. As soon as he died, the faction disbanded.
Not exactly the loving beginning of the reign I want, but sometimes it needs to be. Speaking of needs, my other problem is that Queen Jimena doesn’t seem to be particularly pregnant, so Randy is forced to start planning to seduce his wife. He can also fall in love with her, which will make her his soulmate. But I am not interested in soul mates. I am interested in children and the process by which they are created.
Seducing his wife is not exactly the act of Lotario in the legend, and King Randy seems to know it. He just started this project and wondered if it was time to find a new lover for himself through his neglected portrait collection (basically the equivalent of a medieval Tinder scroll). I said there is better time than this?
Before making a final decision, Randy can choose three potential suitors from his collection. The first portrait is from the Countess Esclamenda, the wife of the Count of Auvergne. She sent Randy a naked picture and asked him to swipe to the right faster than a left-handed boxer. The next pair are all charming ladies, but are described as having a personality darker than the space, so he rejects these. But the fourth portrait missed Randy’s heartbeat.
Is the king of Sweden.
King Eric II wore a chain mail vest and round helmet with a neatly trimmed golden beard. He is the epitome of Nordic power and beauty. Randy has gone through a motion to pick the third finalist, but his decision has been made. Flirting with a monarch not only stimulates Randy’s imagination, but from a political point of view, it is also useful to have a king lying on his bed. He wrote a sentimental letter to Eric and soon received a reply. “Your shiny eyes make my life meaningful,” Eric wrote passionately.
Randy and Eric officially became lovers, but as kings of different countries, it will take some time for them to express their love physically. But now there are many boring, non-sexual things that keep Randy busy, such as declaring war on the Isle of Man. This small area of 30 kilometers between Britain and Ireland is hardly worth fighting for. But this is also the only statement that Randy can actually put pressure on at the moment, and he will put pressure on chewing gum.
In the process of conquering the Three-legged Man and Koala Island, Randy received some good news. Queen Ximena is pregnant. His bizarre seduction plan was only halfway through. It’s not that he intends to stop. That won’t be his style.
Sure enough, it didn’t take long before the others caught Randy’s eyes. In this case, it was his prime minister, Duke Gospatric. After clever diplomacy caused the king to declare war on the Isle of Man for the second time (despite having conquered it), Gospatric piqued Randy’s interest. After some time, Gospatric’s wonderful reading of the Niebelungenlied brought a tedious feast to life, and as we all know, this book is bound to make your heart excited.
The relationship quickly strengthened from there. Gospatric started following Randy like a lost puppy, and after a few days they would enter the bedroom. As Randy himself said, “There is no sound that arouses my desire like the words he whispers in my ear now. There is no hesitation. There is no delay. There is no time to be gentle. Only my desire.” .
You might think that the wife, king, and prime minister might be enough to satisfy Randy’s carnal desires. you are wrong. As soon as Randy and Gospatrick got up from the bed, they found a female courtier named Marmoor, who was as lustful as him. It doesn’t take much to shake her-an exciting performance of “Roland Song” is enough to convince her.
Jumping between the beds in Gospatric and Malmure, Randy somehow found the time to make a request to Argyll Province. However, at the same time, the Duke of Moka of Westmoreland snatched Cumberland from the southern border of Randy’s STATS, but Randy could do nothing about it because he was tied to Argyll (if Gospatrick and When he is together, it may be literal).
Randy was distracted by many of his affairs due to the death of his archbishop. The problem is not the late Stigander himself-this man is a squeaky insignificant person. It is the new bishop Beorhthem who inexplicably accused Randy of incest. This is the only crime that Randy didn’t commit. Randy easily refutes Beorhthelm’s nonsense. No, it’s not like that.
Dealing with the false accusations, Randy is free to enjoy the fruits of his labor. And Simenas. She gave birth to a daughter, named Rodina, and a year later gave birth to a son, named after his father. Slightly less popular is the news that Marmoor gave birth to a bastard. Randy considered treating the boy as his own child, but he was not sure what the consequences would be, so he decided to keep it secret.
Like Jimena and Malmoor’s belly, Randy’s domain is expanding. The successful war was fought against the Carrick and Galloway families, which meant that the only areas of Scotland that Randy could not control were the Hebrides, the southwest coast and the northernmost point. Oh, and Dunbar, the Duke of Moka gnawed it off like Cumberland. However, this was the last request Morcar could make, so Randy reluctantly admitted. Randy returned triumphantly, looking for more children waiting for him. Ximena gave birth to a daughter, and thanks to the sliding of the keyboard, I accidentally named her “Helen”. At the same time, Marmoor became pregnant again, assuring Randy it was his. Although he still did not claim his illegitimate child, Randy at least found a husband for Malmo to take care of her. However, he did not stop sexually harassing her and made her pregnant for the third time behind her poor husband.
On the other side of the coin, Gospatrick, who apparently lost an eye in Randy’s recent conflict (at least, I hope he lost it this way), introduced Randy to a “friend named Talor” “, an obviously capable bartender pulls the king and pints. Frankly speaking, all this has become a little messy. Even Randy wanted to know how long he could hold on to all these things, and the game cleverly hinted that I gave up one of my lovers. “Romance lies not in quantity, but in quality!” Randy announced, and then continued all his throws.
In terms of quality, Swedish King Eric entered the city around this time. After years of love letters and erotic sculptures (commonly known as stick pictures), the two kings can finally spend a passionate night together. Randy cleared his schedule and eagerly went to bed with Eric. Then he jumped out immediately, and found to his horror that the rough and handsome King Eric was covered with acne. Randy immediately broke off the affair, and Eric slipped back to Sweden with his rotten tail.
Randy was shaken by contracting an STD and turned his attention to his field. He claimed to put pressure on the Inner Hebrides, but the current lord Gudrow Haraldson of the territory married the daughter of the King of Norway and formed a strong alliance. Randy does not have the military strength to compete with Norway. However, if Gudrød’s marriage is justified, the alliance will be broken…